Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
by Brené Brown

I loved this book which doesn't surprise me as I loved hearing Brené speak three years ago at a Denver Conference held by the Leadership Investment. Brené is a strong writer that draws conclusions from her research and then tests the theories in her own life and you can connect with her struggles, realizations, and emotions. I let myself take a lot of breaks reading/listening to this to think and apply her ideas to my own life and I must say that she challenged me indirectly. Here are my top three take-aways.

1. Overcoming the fear of disconnection
• If you know me in real life, I'm not afraid to ask questions, even in a room full of experts. In the first weeks at my new job, the product team of 30+ reviewed new features and I just raised my hand and asked a what if straight to the developer. That's me daring greatly, but I don't do that all the time and there are definitely times I worry about what other's think of me. Brené offers tips to stay real and accept our wholehearted selves.
2. Learning shame resilience
• Emotional hurt can be as painful as physical hurt and so we try to protect ourselves by putting up barriers. The problem is that these barriers keep us from the good things too. I looked at my instinctive reactions when someone is rude, combative, or upset and learned that I usually try to deflect. Maybe your vulnerability armor is different than mine, but learning to identify it is the first step to avoid putting up boundaries and instead embrace the opportunity to be vulnerable.
3. Being Wholeheartedness
• "Vulnerability is the last thing I want you to see in me, but the first thing I look for in you." I worry about having kids of my own or managing a team of my own but I have no doubt that both of those things will happen someday. I learned that I should say what I'm feeling more often. Saying it out loud is my challenge to being more honest with others. I think engineers have trouble admitting these so I use a very direct approach "You make me feel _____ right now." but it is better than nothing.

It's No Shave November! Okay, I'm a lady so unless we're talking about my armpits (and ew) it doesn't apply. But there are many things that we would rather not do on a regular basis that this month is dedicated to "allow" us to pass on for a while. Well, here's what I think about it: the opposite!

No Shave November? I'm not sure that's what it's all about.

1. How about then?
• We tell ourselves a lot that "I'll do it in 5 minutes" but that excuse constantly gets pushed out 5 minutes at a time. Look at time past instead and ask, the last 5 minutes, should I have just gotten up and done it then? It might make you feel a little guilty and get you to get up now so that in 5 minutes, you can look back and say, ya, that was okay.
2. Going slow is better than not going at all
• I like this mantra for exercise but it can be applied to anything. Like that email you meant to reply to, or that documentation you kept putting off. Maybe you never felt inspired or felt ready to tackle a problem. News flash, you may never feel ready; so just get up and do it and take as long as it takes.
3. Set personal reminders
• It is soooo easy to set reminders these days. Outlook calendar, smartphone apps, post-it notes. They can popup incessantly and it's too easy to dismiss or delay them. Try having a real person be that reminder. They are a lot harder to get rid of. :-)

1. Leave them and try to ignore the mess
• Perfection is not always necessary. I mean, they're freaking leaves! Aren't more going to fall down if you waited a few days anyways? For a project that literally never ends, you need to let it go and not worry about what "finished" means in the backyard.
2. Painstakingly pick them up
• Honestly, sometimes a job isn't done until it's all done and that means every last little piece. A little leaf pile is still a leaf pile. The effort to get all the equipment out again is more of a pain than making sure it's all as gone as it can be. Finish it now and you can maybe talk yourself out of picking up the rake again until next season.
3. Spread them around and call it mulch
• Well, leaves actually do have natural properties that are good for ground cover. Of course you can't make it look like you didn't finish, so spread the love out. In business, you can get a 60 minute job done faster if you give everyone a 6 minute job, right?

Okay, so you're not a manager of any kind. There are some employees that stand out. You notice them. You know who they are and for a good reason. I think there are three types of employees that take the word "worker" to a different level.

1. The Cheater
• Knowing how to cut corners is not a bad thing! It demonstrates that you know how to be efficient. It means you know what to spend your time on and what is a waste of your (and other people's) time. These employees help let you know when to "not worry about it" and that's great for saving time and saving money!
2. The Suck-up
• There is the "friend" of the office and that's not a bad thing! When someone knows what is going on in people's private lives, knows what the strengths of each person is, they are the only you go to when you need something. They can help walk you over to the person you need and schmoose them a little bit to work for you.
3. The Juggler
• Oh the multi-tasker! You have so many things going on that you are on every project under the sun but that's not a bad thing! When you need to know something technical, they likely know the answer because they've done it at least once. They get s*** done! The tough part will be getting on their calendar but they do love to help out.

One of the age old difficulties of working with other teams outside your own is that they have no prior context of your abilities. There is no trust built and even though you are working together, you aren't on the same team yet. How can you bridge that gap and help them feel confident that you have their best interests in mind and want to get the best outcome together?

There are a couple tactics that I have in mind, but there is no tried and true method yet. What do you think?

1. Make them feel smart by proving you're not always smarter
• Okay, that's a little strong but when you're in the midst of change, everything is running a mile a minute in your head. We forget the simplest things. We rush around trying to get too many things done. You need to slow down. Don't always blurt out the answer or say, "here I'll just do it for you". They know the answer, let them get to it at their own pace.
2. Make them feel like leaders by praising their ideas
• Everyone loves hearing "good job". They like knowing their hard work is noticed and their efforts are worthwhile. As leaders, you have to be a thought leader. It may be your job to work out the details of how to make that idea possible, but make a point to say "that's a good idea".
3. Make them feel in control by giving them easy decisions
• When I'm doing a training session, I am the trainer and the one in charge of the schedule, attendance, and making sure that everyone learns something. It can make managers of that team uneasy. Give the manager a say by asking yes/no questions or letting them choose between three choices in some of the activities. If you give them ways to contribute they won't try to bulldoze your control during the actual training. A good example is asking them who should/shouldn't attend certain session together. Use their social knowledge to make your job easier.

A couple weeks ago, I posted about three key tools that every project manager needs. Being a people managers is tough as a lot of your needed skills are soft skills and are hard to learn, buy, or teach. I do think however that there are a few that every manager must have. I think these few things help "boss" become "leader" and so that a people manager can connect on a personal and genuine level with their team.

1. The Hard: Feedback Phrase
• Whether required annual reviews or weekly one-on-one time, you need a way to give and receive feedback. You can ask for it simply and directly but it is rare that you'll find subordinates that feel comfortable enough to actually say something valuable. What I've learned is you need something to coax it out of people. It can be a phrase that puts them at ease, the delivery, or the candor that you create but it has to be yours and it has to be genuine.
2. The Clever: Email filters
• If you're a manager, you get a lot of email and if you want to get anything done the hard truth is you can't read them all. In Microsoft Outlook (and Gmail and other email providers) you can create rules that filter and place emails into organized folders. If you do it right, you can keep your inbox to only those that require responses. If you don't have the expertise yet, here's a quick video.
3. The Silly: Favorite Restaurant
• No joke, everyone has a favorite spot and if you can share it with others and show them why it's your favorite, you've got instant comradery. Our team did a team dinner at an Italian place once before a client visit and another time we did a cooking class. It was awesome and it was years ago but we all still have photos on your desk with genuine smiles.